


speak your mind (even if your voice shakes)

by jeongui



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Baby Gay Jisung, Bang Chan & Han Jisung | Han are Siblings, Character Study, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Growing Up, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Han Jisung | Han has Anxiety, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Jeongin and Seungmin are barely there im so sorry bbys, M/M, Slice of Life, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25388053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeongui/pseuds/jeongui
Summary: "Are you okay?" the guy asks, barely audible over the pounding music, but Jisung hears him just fine because, you know,he is talking right into his god damn ear.When he pulls back from Jisung's ear, there’s an amused quirk to the corner of his lips. Jisung gulps in air, hastily nodding before shouting back, "I'm gay!"The guy's eyebrow twitches in disbelief and he barks out a surprised laugh. Jisung can't stop staring at his sharp smile like an idiot."Me too!" the guy replies, still laughing. Jisung can feel his face warming because, yes, obviously is this guy gay too. They're in a gay club, god. Obviously.(Or, alternatively, five times Jisung comes out)
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 19
Kudos: 227





	speak your mind (even if your voice shakes)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is my BABY and I initially wanted to release it during the start of pride month, but some of it got deleted and I lost all motivation for a couple of weeks, but here it is! please show it some love, I worked really hard on it
> 
> I wanted to be kind of vague with the world building and the whole plot because I really just wanted to focus on the character development of Jisung, so I hope it’s not too confusing ^^  
> oh yeah, and this is set in a korea that’s way less homophobic bc i didn’t want to write angst
> 
> The title is a quote from Maggie Kuhn that I really like and I thought it fit quite well for this fic

**Jisung, 16** **years old** **  
**

**(September, 2016** **)**

Chan kills the engine with a sigh, leaning back in his seat. The light inside the car turns on when Chan clicks his seatbelt off, but Jisung doesn't move a muscle, his soccer ball, Taegeuk Warriors jersey, and dirty shorts in his lab and his eyes firmly on his hands clutching the white material of his jersey. They haven't spoken the whole drive home, and Jisung feels tense with pent up energy from practice.

He knows he's being unusually quiet, and it's clearly putting Chan on edge.

The world outside of the car is dark, quiet at this time of day, people retreating inside to shelter themselves from the cold. Further ahead, where their street meets the big road, cars are still driving by, their headlights illuminating the falling rain.

When he looks over, Chan is already looking at him and Jisung whips his gaze away as soon as they make eye contact. Chan sighs again, louder this time, before asking, "What's up with you today?"

Jisung tenses up further, daring a quick glance back at his hyung before shifting uncomfortably in the ratty car seat. He clears his throat. "Nothing," he mutters to his hands, sounding unconvincing even to his own ears.

"Did something happen at practice?" Chan questions and Jisung wishes his hyung would just let it go.

He shakes his head. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at practice. They played soccer, and it was nice, a great distraction for this thing that has taken over Jisung's thoughts lately. The locker room part of practice was not exactly nice, but he got through it like he usually does; looking at the ground and changing at lightning speed.

He had watched soccer videos on youtube while waiting for Chan to pick him up, and his eyes kept catching on the way Hong Jeong- ho's shirt stuck to his heaving chest, his pectoral muscles standing out and messing with Jisung's head. He had looked around before fast-forwarding to the end where he knew Jeong-ho would take off his shirt and grin up at the audience. Shamefully, he had held his phone close to his face, watching with a lump in his throat.

The thing is, Jisung has something inside of him that is messing with his head. It's not normal, not something he can ignore. He has been trying, for a while now, but he finds that the more he tries not to think about it, to block it out and bury it down, the more he simply can't stop his head from filling with it.

Chan shifts in his seat, and out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Chan turning towards him stubbornly. "Is it about mom? Or your dad?"

Jisung shakes his head, no, it's not. He feels guilt well up in his chest.

"Jisung," Chan says sternly, "what's the matter? Tell me."

Jisung feels his eyes sting, and to his horror, his chin wobbles when he tries to press his lips into a straight line to hold the threatening tears at bay. He shakes his head again and swallows to keep the words down. They're in his throat, pushing to come out of his mouth, because what if Chan is okay with it? If anyone, Jisung should be able to tell his hyung, who has been there with him through the toughest times at home and in school.

He looks at his hyung's concerned face again, feeling the tears slip. A choked off sobs carves its way through his lips before he can stop it.

"Jisungie..." Chan drawls, reaching out, but Jisung flinches away before he can, shaking his head vigorously. Chan's hand hangs in the air awkwardly before he slowly lets it fall to the console between them. His face is hurt when Jisung glances at him again.

"No," Jisung whispers, "I just -, just don't -"

He doesn't finish the sentence before a sob cuts him off. The tears are flowing freely now and Jisung can do nothing but let them. He can feel anxiety welling up in him, his chest tightening uncomfortably.

"Come on, Jisungie, I'll help you, I promise. Whatever it is." Chan looks serious, so concerned and so much like an older brother, protecting and caring, and Jisung sobs harder. He wants to tell him, so bad, to get it off his chest finally, but he can't risk their relationship. He needs Chan, and if his own brother disowns him for this, he has no idea who to turn to.

It's bad enough that Chan is in university now, in Seoul nonetheless, so far away from Jisung, unable to protect him when their mom has one of her breakdowns and holes herself in the bedroom for hours on end, or when Jisung's dad calls to spew some bullshit like he does every month. Chan's merely visiting because it's Chuseok and he has time off from university.

No, Chan can't be the one to gently coax their mom out of her room, can't be the one to snatch his phone and yell at Jisung's dad. Not anymore.

"I can't tell you," Jisung says thickly, doing an attempt at wiping his tears, only for his soccer ball to clatter to the bottom of the car. "You'll hate me if I do."

And usually, Chan would jokingly hit him and tell him that damn right he hates him, but this is not usual for them. Chan probably doesn't realize how significant this moment is to Jisung.

He tries taking a deep breath to calm himself, but his chest jumps with it, making him stutter on the air and hiccup. He shifts in his seat again, beyond uncomfortable now. He feels isolated despite Chan's presence, solely alone with this, no one to turn to.

"I could never hate you, Jisung. You're my baby brother," Chan huffs, and Jisung can see how his brows are furrowed in confusion and worry. "I promise," Chan says so softly, so soothingly, "you can tell me anything."

Jisung stares at him for a while, breath stuttering and eyes blurry with the few tears still unshed. He doesn't actually know how to articulate this to Chan. How can he, when he barely understands?

"I just..." he starts, hesitates, swallows and sniffles, "There's something wrong with me." It comes out as a whisper, and Jisung can see how Chan grows even more concerned by the way his mouth sets and his eyebrows twitch.

But suddenly, Chan seems to appear angry, and Jisung panics. He must've found out, he must've figured it out by himself and is angry and disgusted by Jisung now. When Chan shifts in his seat, Jisung flinches and squeezes his eyes closed, ready for whatever comes his way. He deserves it.

"Jisung," Chan whispers softly, "did someone tell you that?"

Jisung dares to open an eye, glancing at his hyung. He's not mad. Okay. Okay, that's good. He releases a breath, wipes his cheeks again and shakes his head.

"I have to tell you something, but you have to promise me you won't be mad," Jisung says reluctantly, not looking at Chan. He has calmed down a bit, but the tears threaten to fall again as he prepares himself to tell Chan. "Please."

When he glances up again, Chan is nodding his head, looking serious.

This is it, he guesses. Here it goes. He looks away before talking, the words coming out hesitantly. "You know I like girls, right?" he starts, knowing its a lie, "But I also... might like boys."

Silence follows. Jisung doesn't dare to look at Chan, keeping his eyes on his jersey. A thousand thoughts are flowing through his mind, a tornado of doubt whisking away any thoughts not related to the fact that he prefers boys to girls.

"Jisung." His head whips up, and Chan smiles at him, tears in his eyes. "I am _so_ proud of you, okay?" Chan says, and the sobs begin falling freely from Jisung's mouth again, and when Chan reaches for him this time, he throws himself into the embrace, burying his face into his hyung's shoulder.

A heavy weight lifts from his heart, his shoulders, his thoughts. The arms around him feel secure, and Jisung can't help but cry loudly from the relief, not able to keep anything back. Chan just keeps holding him, stroking his hair kind of awkwardly and shushing him gently.

Ultimately, they sit there for what feels like hours before the front door opens, their mom stepping out, a silhouette against the light from their entrance. Jisung lets go of Chan and wipes his face, embarrassed with the way he freaked out over what turned out to be essentially nothing. He feels lighter somehow as he gathers his things and lets Chan dab his face clean with his sleeve, his hyung sending him a fond look. He grins back slightly, but the tears come back with it so he quickly looks away, rapidly blinking.

His mom notices his red eyes and tear tracks, but when she questions him about it, Chan sweeps in and says, "Jisungie here fell at practice, but he's a tough guy." His arm weighs on Jisung's shoulders as they stand side by side in front of their mom, who looks dubious but believes Chan's words.

Jisung sighs out a relieving breath as their mom leaves and he darts up the stairs to his room, narrowly dodging the arm Chan launches out after him.

"Hey! Jisung, come here!" he yells in a whisper, rushing up the stairs after Jisung.

"What?" Jisung asks, not wanting to talk about what they talked about in the car. He shifts on his feet where he stands in the door to his room.

"I just wanted to say I'm proud of you," Chan says, slightly out of breath. Jisung immediately groans and goes to close the door in his hyung's face, but Chan fights him. "Listen to me! I know that must've been hard for you, and-" he starts but gets cut off before he can finish by Jisung's high-pitched whine.

"Hyung! Stop! You're embarrassing me!"

"I don't care, brat! Listen to me," Chan insists, still fighting Jisung for the door. Jisung is not the strongest guy around, he'll admit to that, but he would also rather rip off both his arms than lose to Chan in a fight for a door. Chan is _not_ stronger than him, and Jisung will prove it right this second if Chan should challenge him.

He doesn't. Instead, he lets Jisung win, which is not satisfying either. Jisung pouts but doesn't close the door.

"I just want you to know that you're completely normal," Chan says, quieter now. Jisung rolls his eyes, can't help it because this is certainly not ordinary Chan-behavior and it's freaking him out.

"Don't roll your eyes at your hyung!" Chan exclaims. Jisung pouts again, glaring up at Chan.

"I've never met anyone at school like me," he croaks out then, his voice quiet and uncertain. Chan seems to soften, his expression going pained, then indifferent and thoughtful at the same time. He crosses his arms, sighs.

"Look, high school is over soon, and I promise you, university is so much better, okay? People are freer there, more themselves, and I can guarantee that you find someone just like you there," Chan says, sounds so sure of himself that Jisung can't help but trust him somehow. He would know, right? He knows what people are like in university.

Hope blossoms in Jisung's chest, dangerous and slow, creeping up on him and settling in his throat. He just nods, looks away and finally closes the door to his room. Chan lets him, but not before sending him an encouraging smile.

Later, he can hear Chan and their mom talk in the kitchen beneath his room, his mother's voice a higher pitch than his brothers. They don't seem to be fighting or arguing, which is a nice change of pace, he thinks as he collapses in his unmade bed.

He's not scared of Chan telling her, he realizes. His brother is the person he trusts the most in this world, not that he would ever tell Chan that. Deep down, he suspects that Chan already knows, though. The thought brings him comfort, as he pulls his phone out to close the youtube video, paused right before a sweaty and shirtless Hong Jeong-ho flings his shirt into the crowd. 

**Jisung, 18 years old**

**(February, 2019)**

University is not like high school. At all.

He misses home, the smell of clean laundry and his mother's hugs. He even misses mowing the lawn and doing the dishes. It's weird. Definitely weird.

He has moved into a double room, sharing the space with another freshman. His name is Felix and they almost share the same birthday, which they both thought was pretty funny. Somehow, it brings him a sense of comfort, like Felix is someone Jisung can comfortably cling to when Seoul gets a little too big for him.

They live next door to Seungmin and Jeongin, who is definitely quite the pair. They’re loud. Not that their paper-thin walls do any sort of good in canceling out any noise, but Felix and Jisung can lay in their beds at night and listen to their every conversation. They get close like that, giggling when Seungmin yells at Jeongin for messing up his papers and falling over themselves laughing when the pair starts singing together in shrill voices.

Felix is cool. He seems like the type of guy who has his shit together, who knows who he is and what he wants to achieve. It's intimidating, but Jisung figures he can learn a thing or two while being intimidated.

Felix and Jisung have a lot of classes together, which is convenient because they can wander back home to their dorm together after a long day. They have gotten rather close that way, nothing else to do as they walk than talk about anything and everything at once.

It's how Jisung comes out to Felix one night, both of them bundled up in thick jackets as they make their way back to the dorms.

He's nervous already just from the prospect of telling Felix he likes guys, but he feels obligated to get it out; they sleep in the same room, change in front of each other, and it's _weird_. Jisung feels weird not telling Felix. He has the right to know.

It's not that Jisung is ogling Felix when he sheds his clothes in their tiny bathroom or when he does situps between their beds, but he feels dirty and perverted every time he struggles to keep his eyes away. Felix has a nice body, alright, and Jisung just _has_ to tell him now.

So Felix has a way out should he find it weird.

"And then Hyunjin said, 'I hope your day is just as pleasant as you are', and then he honest to god just walked away, oh my god, you should have seen-" Felix blabbers in between laughs, oblivious to the whirlwind of thoughts in Jisung's head, before Jisung cuts him off bluntly.

"Felix."

Felix whips his head around to look at Jisung, mouth agape with the cut-off sentence, but Jisung can't find it in himself to care. Not with his heart beating like it's going to fall right out his chest, a mild headache creeping up behind his left eyebrow. His palms are sweaty despite the cold, and he sticks them in his pockets quickly, frustrated with himself. 

"Yeah?" Felix says, quietly, his mood considerably less upbeat now, and Jisung would be pleased with Felix knowing him so well already if it wasn't for what he's about to do.

Jisung doesn't meet Felix's eyes. He curses at himself, in his head, because this is not even close to being easier than the first time. When he told Chan two years ago, he thought his life was about to change forever, and now, those same thoughts are right back, looming and ready to strike.

"I have something to tell you," he says, watching his own feet move. The asphalt is damp, crunchy. "I'm gay."

It's out now. No beating around the bush, though he supposes he has gotten a little braver than last year. He even dares a glance at Felix, who is watching their feet too. Then Felix shrugs, says, "Okay," and smiles at him.

Jisung stutters out a surprised breath, says, "Okay," back and keeps walking.

Felix resumes his story about Hyunjin, and when he describes the face of the mean girl after Hyunjin clapped back at her with great detail, Jisung actually laughs. He feels his chest swell with the laugh, the happiness settling into his bones.

Felix and Jisung manage to get even closer after that. They're practically adjoined by the hip, and Jisung would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy every moment of it. He's never had a best friend before, but having one is the best feeling he's ever had.

They start going to the gym together, which is another thing that Jisung enjoys. Back in high school, he played soccer almost every day, but he finds that the challenge and the reward of the gym are much more satisfying. He loves pushing himself, loves seeing results and even the small changes that it brings gives him confidence that he's never had in his body before.

It feels good to take off his shirt and see his muscles move, but it still doesn't stop him from wearing huge hoodies and sweatpants every day. Felix is perplexed by his choice of clothes, but Jisung is equally bewildered by Felix's small t-shirts and skin-tight jeans.

Somehow, they fit together so well, and for once in his life, Jisung actually feels at peace with himself.

**Jisung, 19 years old**

**(May, 2020)**

It's not that Jisung is complaining or anything like that, but living with Felix can be a bit of a challenge sometimes.

See, Felix is friendly. He's friends with just about everyone, flirty with strangers and kind to anyone he talks to. That's not the problem, though, no, Jisung is used to by now. His brother is Chan, after all, the definition of a social butterfly.

The problem lies in the hookups.

They go to a lot of house parties together, Felix and him, something Jisung has never ever done before, getting drunk and dancing on some guy's coffee table, passing out in bushes and throwing up his guts in stinky toilets. They usually get invited through Hyunjin, who's just as friendly and flirty as Felix, if not even _more_ outgoing.

They meet a lot of new friends from university that way, cool people that Jisung would've shied away from two, or even one, year ago.

The hookups, though. They're the problem.

Usually, when Felix brings a girl to their dorm, Jisung crashes next door at Seungmin and Jeongin’s or maybe Hyunjin's place. Less often, he crashes at Chan's if he has enough money for the public transportation to inner Seoul.

Felix will catch him while they're at the parties, a pretty girl hanging off his side and giggling into his neck, and he'll give Jisung an apologetic smile and shrug, and really, is he supposed to tell Felix no?

Hell, he would do the same thing if a cute guy was plastered to his side and whispering into his ear.

So, it's a problem. A problem that Jisung can live with.

Until he bursts into their dorm one day, his eight o'clock class miraculously canceled, and locks eyes with a naked guy on Felix's bed.

Felix, who was previously between said guys naked, very naked thank you, thighs, is now looking at Jisung with big eyes and slack mouth.

They stare at each other for a while, the naked guy slowly covering his exposed junk, not that Jisung was even looking.

His heart is pumping in his ears, lump in his throat at the sight before him. Even his dick in his jeans jumps, which is just... No. So wrong.

Felix stands up slowly, clad in only his sleep tee-shirt and briefs. He looks apologetic.

"You're gay?" Jisung blurts, frozen by the still open door.

Felix looks to the guy on the bed before looking back to Jisung with a small smile. "I'm bi."

What? Bi-what? Jisung gapes, opening and closing his mouth in bewilderment. "Bi?" he exclaims.

"Yes," Felix says slowly, "Bisexual."

Jisung huffs frustratingly, clearly missing something. "You're- what? I thought you liked girls? You never told me..." He trails off, at a loss for words.

"Being bisexual means you like both girls and guys," Felix explains, a small smile on his lips. He almost looks a little fond.

Naked Guy clears his throat behind Felix, and both their eyes shoot to him. He looks kind of stupid sitting there on the bed with one hand over his dick and the other scratching his neck, face and chest blotchy with red spots.

"Uh," he starts a little hesitantly, "maybe I should leave?"

"No!" Jisung exclaims before Felix can say anything, "Keep going! I'll just, uh, you know. Go to the library, or something. Bye!"

He backs out of the room quickly, his heart thumping. When the door slams shut behind him, he nearly starts running down the hallway to get to the library.

It's almost half an hour before Felix finds him again, in the quiet corner of the big library, sitting alone and staring at his biology book unseeingly.

He should be studying, really, but his thoughts are running haywire. He doesn't know how to feel about what he saw in their dorm. Weirdly enough, he feels kind of betrayed by Felix, which is just stupid. Felix doesn't have to tell him anything if he doesn't want to, even if Jisung was definitely under the impression that they told each other everything.

He told Felix the first time a cute guy smiled at him from the other side of the lecture hall, even told him about his first kiss with a boy, first hookup with a boy. Or, well... Kind of hookup with a boy.

Jisung prefers not to think about that particular failure.

Point is; they tell each other everything. Or so he thought.

When he hears quiet footsteps approaching, he looks up and sees Felix, hands in his pockets and shoulders around his ears. He looks a little sheepish, uncertain. Jisung hates it. 

Felix gestures to the empty chair across from Jisung's. "Can I sit?"

Jisung sighs. "Yeah, 'course."

Felix sits down, glancing around the library. It's pretty much only been Jisung here since he got here.

Felix worries his bottom lip, leg bouncing underneath the table. "Do you wanna talk about it?" he asks, voice low.

"Do you?" Jisung counters, looking Felix straight in the eye, "I mean... You could've told me. Why would you keep that from me?"

Felix must hear the hurt tone of his voice because he looks down at his fiddling hands, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. You're right, and I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Jisung whispers, feeling guilty for making _Felix_ feel guilty, "It's okay. You didn't have to if you didn't want me to know."

At that, Felix looks up and reaches across the table to Jisung's hand, that up until now has been clutching his pencil, fiddling with it.

"It's not that I didn't want to!" Felix assures him, "Trust me, I really wanted to. But when you came out to me, it was a big moment for you, I didn't want to ruin it."

"Ruin it?" Jisung exclaims, voice going a little louder and startling them both. He clears his throat and looks around. No one is around to listen to them. When he speaks again, he lowers his voice a little and hisses, "Felix, you would've made me feel so much more normal if you told me back then that you like guys too."

Felix cringes and groans, screwing his eyes shut. "I'm sorry, Jisungie."

"It's okay," he says, smiling a little. He really can't stay mad at Felix, can he?

Felix smiles back, lips stretched over his pearly teeth. His cheeks are a little red.

"So..." Jisung starts, stretching the vowel teasingly, "I'm sorry I walked in on, you know."

Felix's smile drops immediately, his forehead making harsh contact with the table as he drops it down between them. Jisung grins as Felix groans.

"Don't worry about it," Felix murmurs into the wood.

Jisung smirks. "You know, I didn't see anything, but that guy really-"

Felix cuts him off with a loud grumble, head rising to stare daggers at Jisung. "Please stop talking right now."

Jisung laughs and raises his hands innocently. "I'm just saying, he looked like he was enjoying whatever you were doing."

Felix swats at him, shushing him loudly. "Shut up! You know exactly what I was doing."

Jisung laughs louder, enjoying how red Felix's face gets as he tries to get Jisung to stop talking. Jisung swats back, wrestling Felix as he complains loudly, lips tilting up a tiny bit.

Ultimately, they're thrown out of the library. The old librarian apparently didn't appreciate two overgrown boys playfighting between the books and laughing at the top of their lungs.

They walk home together, shoulders bumping.

"So, is he your boyfriend or something?" Jisung asks, looking at Felix questionably.

Felix shakes his head, though. "No, he and I just hook up sometimes. He's a senior."

"A senior?!" Jisung laughs, "Damn, Felix, good job."

Felix rolls his eyes, but laughs. "Shut up, stupid. Actually, our families know each other, so I've known him since I was a kid."

Jisung hums, taking it all in. It still feels surreal, that he shares this thing with Felix, that they can talk so openly about it. Not that they couldn't before, but Jisung still felt different back then.

"What's his name?"

Felix sighs. "Changbin."

Jisung whips his head around to squint his eyes at Felix, who's decidedly not looking his way.

"As in Seo Changbin?" he asks pointedly, "As in Hyunjin's roommate Changbin? The music genius? _That_ guy is the music genius?"

Felix laughs and nods. "Yup, that's the infamous Seo Changbin."

"Does Hyunjin know you're dating his roommate?" Jisung asks.

"We're not dating, and yes, he definitely knows."

Okay. Good, good. Changbin is practically a god among the music department of their university, and Jisung is _not_ letting Felix fuck up his chance to impress him.

When they get back to the dorms, Jisung immediately starts complaining about the stale air in their room, the funky smell, and _why_ did Felix not air out before he left?!

Felix just laughs at him, laying down on his disgusting bed unconcerned as Jisung frantically sprays the room with air freshener.

Once he's satisfied, the room smelling like artificial flowers and rainbows, he collapses on the bed. Felix is already under the covers, the light from his phone illuminating his face.

They lie in the darkness quietly for a few moments before Jisung shifts to look at Felix, muttering, "I really can't believe you didn't tell me."

Felix sighs and looks over. "I said I was sorry."

"I know." Jisung pouts. "I just- We could have done so many gay things together!"

Felix stares at him before snorting loudly and going back to his phone. His thumbs are flying over the screen, and he doesn't even miss a beat before saying, "I hope you realize what you just said, Jisungie."

Jisung grumbles, turning back around. Stupid Felix can look at his back if he's gonna be like that. "Suck my dick," he mutters, pout still audible in his voice.

Felix laughs even louder, not quieting down even after Jisung turns back around and fires a pillow right at his face. When he finally stops, he has three extra pillows on his bed and a couple of pencils.

"Hey, but seriously," Felix says, throwing back the pillows. Jisung catches them and nods. "Changbin just texted me. He says that his friend is hosting an LGBTQ+ meeting for club members this week, and he wants us to come."

"LGBTQ+ club?" Jisung asks. Their university has one of those?

"Yeah, apparently it's really chill," Felix says, "I think we should go."

Jisung can feel his heart pounding just from the prospect of going. "I don't know..." he mutters.

Felix nods understandingly. "Think about it. We can just check it out and if you get uncomfortable, we can leave. I promise."

Jisung nods. He will think about it. Maybe it would be good for him, he figures. He didn't even know a thing like bisexuality had a name until a couple of hours ago.

Chan would certainly approve if he went.

"Tell Changbin-ssi I will think about it," he eventually says.

Coming out should get easier the more times you do it, in theory.

It does get a little easier, Jisung thinks, but that doesn't stop his heart from almost jumping out of his body and his palms from getting sticky every single time he has to do it.

The LGBTQ club is apparently really popular, he soon finds out, as he stands in front of all the members, ready to introduce himself.

He clears his throat, the sound surprisingly loud in the quiet room. Everyone's attention is on him, and wow, that is kind of unnerving.

He looks over to Felix, who smiles encouragingly and gives him a thumbs up. He already introduced himself, announcing proudly and utterly unapologetily that he's bisexual. Nobody even flinched when he said that, and maybe that's what's keeping Jisung from having an anxiety attack right here in front of a bunch of strangers.

Everyone in this room is okay with his sexuality, he realizes. They all know why he is here, and they all have their own reasons for coming.

He's about to just come out and say it when he spots a familiar smile in the crowd, and he freezes as Hyunjin shyly waves at him.

Jisung he- he had no idea. Hyunjin is so outgoing and cool and tall, so handsome. It didn't even occur to him that the reason they clicked so well was because, well, they're the same.

And that's when he realizes. He belongs here. He takes a deep breath.

"My name is Jisung," he says, trying for a little smile and an awkward wave, "And, uh... I'm gay."

"It's great to have you," Hongjoon says, the founder of the club and Changbin's friend, apparently. He's smiling all warmly at Jisung with big front teeth and crinkled eyes. "Everyone, please take good care of Jisung and Felix."

When they're finally out of the spotlight, a bunch of people comes up to introduce themselves to him, friendly and with wide open arms, and Jisung doesn't feel as overwhelmed by the number of people around him as he should.

He looks away from the girl currently talking to him about photography for a moment, easily catching Changbin and Felix talking by the back wall. Jisung realizes that they probably don't notice the way their bodies bend towards each other, how Felix smiles so hard his eyes disappear, how Changbin is touching Felix's arm lightly.

By the windows, Hongjoon and Hyunjin are talking to a group of freshmen, new recruits just like himself, and Jisung... He really belongs here. He does. He belongs with these people. 

  
**Jisung, 19 years old**

**(June, 2020)**

The next time Jisung comes out, it's to Minho. Of course, at the time, Jisung doesn't know that this hot, dancing, _male_ stranger is about to become one of the most important people of his life.

It goes something along the lines of this:

Jisung opts out of dancing, not feeling brave (i.e drunk) enough to take on the dancefloor at a gay club just yet. So naturally, he settles for staying at the bar with Changbin.

Jisung is still kind of perplexed by the presence of Changbin. Since he caught Felix and him in the act that one time, he has started coming around a lot more. _A lot_ more. Then he invited Jisung to that whole LGBTQ+ support group on campus, which was cool, but strange.

Jisung doesn't actually mind, Changbin is nice enough, maybe a little too intimidating for Jisung to have introduced himself without the help of Felix, but not at all intimidating when you get to know him. He's an amazing producer, and Jisung has even heard him rap a couple of times. Changbin is also currently chatting loudly with the bartender while Jisung sips his drink slowly and tries not to look too much like he doesn't belong here.

The bartender is apparently a friend of Changbin's, a smiley guy with huge muscles, who's name Jisung forgot. He seems so cool, though, his grin never fading as he talks with Changbin about music. He knows the bartender has a boyfriend, because Changbin told him as soon as muscle-guy was out of earshot. Jisung felt embarrassed at first, but now he can't help but feel grateful to know, because, come on, this guy is hot, he's _clearly_ smart, _and_ he's gay. He's everything Jisung wants to become.

He's shot out of his thoughts as Felix suddenly charges into his side, giggling and clearly drunk already.

"Whoah!" Jisung exclaims, grabbing a hold of Felix's swaying body.

"Sungie!" Felix shouts, swinging his arms up around Jisung's neck, "Come dance with me!"

"Ah..." Jisung mumbles hesitantly, turning his face to look at the packed dancefloor. Immediately, he's metaphorically punched in the face as he locks eyes with a guy dancing in between two other guys in the middle of the chaos.

Jisung is mesmerized instantly; the guy is gorgeous. His hair is longer than Jisung's own, curly and a lighter brown, sticking out like a sore thumb in the black-haired crowd. It falls down around his face, framing his features down to his high cheekbones and sticking to his sweaty forehead. It makes something tug sharply at Jisung's insides, and he lets his mouth fall open as he admires the stranger's face. His eyebrows are prominent, way darker than his hair, and they curve slightly as he furrows them with a concentrated look on his face.

His moves are smooth, his hips rolling between the two guys as they dance. Jisung’s face flushes warmly, watching as the hot stranger presses his ass to the guy behind him.

The guy holding his waist from behind justles the him, pulling him back harder against his crotch, but the stranger keeps his eyes locked on Jisung's anyway. Then he smirks, and Jisung snaps his head back towards the bar, heart pounding.

He looks back at Changbin, who has the biggest grin on his face. Then he turns to Felix and immediately pushes him off of him when he catches the teasing smile on Felix's face too. Changbin has a smirk on his lips as he catches Felix and wraps his arms around his waist. Jisung opens his mouth, about to fire off some kind of bad excuse to Felix as to why he does not want to dance, but then Changbin's eyes open widely, staring at something behind Jisung.

Someone taps Jisung on the shoulder, and his heart skips a beat as he turns around and finds the gorgeous stranger grinning down at him. He startles, standing up abruptly and almost knocking over his chair in the process. The gorgeous man laughs, grabbing a hold of his arm, touch scalding.

"Uh -" Jisung manages, quickly glancing back to see Felix and Changbin grinning at him before he locks eyes with the guy again.

"Do you wanna dance?" the guy asks, and god, his voice is smooth and velvety like a runny chocolate cake, and Jisung nods without even thinking. His heart is still going strong, loud in his own ears but hopefully not loud enough for the guy to hear.

When they stumble out on the dancefloor, Jisung is in mild chock. Felix hollers behind them, and the guy says with a chuckle, "Felix is something else, isn't he?"

"Wait, you know Felix?" Jisung asks, dumbfounded.

The guy quirks an eyebrow, seemingly confused by Jisung's question. "Yeah! He told me about you, actually."

"What? Told you -, but why?" Jisung mumbles, but his voice is drowned out by the music. The guy grins at him as he turns around, walking backwards towards the dancefloor with his hand still clutched to Jisung's arm. 

When they reach the dancing mass of people, he lets go of Jisung's arm. Jisung doesn’t move, just stares at him without knowing what to do. What’s he supposed to do? _Dance_ with this gorgeous stranger? His dancing sucks.

The guy snorts softly, pulling Jisung closer by his waist, leaning in to say something in his ear, and Jisung thinks he might go fucking crazy.

"Are you okay?" the guy says, barely audible over the pounding music, but Jisung hears him just fine because, you know, _he is talking right into his god damn ear._

When he pulls back from Jisung's ear, there’s an amused quirk to the corner of his lips. Jisung gulps in hair, hastily nodding before shouting back, "I'm gay!"

The guy's eyebrow twitches in disbelief and he barks out a surprised laugh. Jisung can't stop staring at his sharp smile like an idiot.

"Me too!" the guy replies, still laughing. Jisung can feel his face warming because, yes, obviously is this guy gay too. They're in a gay club, god. Obviously.

"Right." Jisung nods again, looking away to gather himself.

"Right," the guy counters, "So, you want to dance?"

When Jisung looks back, the guy is staring at him with awaiting eyes. The colorful lights of the club illuminate his face, twinkling in his silver earrings, and Jisung is so, so gone for this boy already. He just nods again, speechless but giddy with the attention.

The guy grabs his waist tighter, tugging Jisung further into him with a questioning tilt to his eyebrow, the smile still lingering on his face.

Jisung wraps his arms loosely around his shoulders, feeling their bodies pressed together. He’s taller than Jisung, looking down slightly as he starts moving. Jisung follows his lead, soon losing all sense of hesitation and doubt.

They dance close together, a strong arm around Jisung's waist as their bodies press together, the crowd forcing them to share a breath, to look each other in the eye. Their mouths get so close together at one point, Jisung's head tilting to make their lips fit before he draws back and shouts, "What's your name?"

They keep moving against each other as the guy leans forwards and says hotly into his ear, "Minho."

Jisung grins. Minho is a perfect name. It rolls of his tongue easily when he mouths it back to Minho, who grins cheekily.

Jisung feels static, electricity rolling up his spine from where Minho is touching him. He doesn't even feel the familiar tug of anxiety from being so close to a stranger, practically smushed together by the crowd around him. He should- he should feel anxious. But he doesn't.

Maybe it's the way that Minho holds eye contact, the way Jisung can't focus on anything but his captivating smile, the way he rolls his body against Jisung’s. Maybe it's the way that they dance, the way that Minho subtly moves forward again to align their lips. The way he can feel his hot breath, their lips grazing.

His heart is pounding, but for once, it's because he's kissing a cute boy.

Minho, Jisung discovers, is a great kisser. Jisung doesn't have a ton to go off on, but he can tell Minho knows what he's doing. He guides Jisung effortlessly, tilting his head with his hand before burying it in Jisung's hair. When their tongues meet, his heart skips a beat, sending a shockwave down his body.

It's so thrilling, so unlike anything Jisung has ever done before, and he likes it. He likes it _so much_.

Minho breaks the kiss after what seems like an eternity, and Jisung feels dizzy. Minho laughs cheekily, licking his lips.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Minho says loudly, leaning in slightly so Jisung can hear him better.

Jisung blinks. He's not sure what Minho means, but he has an inkling. He opens his mouth, closes it. Does he want to get out of here?

Suddenly, the crowd around him seems to close in on him, and his breathing picks up. The music pounds in his ears. Yep, he definitely wants to get out of here. Now.

He looks around frantically, trying to spot somewhere he can run, but there are people everywhere. Moving, dancing, blocking his sight. Minho’s arms are securely around him. His hands are getting sweaty, so he rips them away from Minho, not wanting him to feel it and get disgusted.

"Jisung?"

He snaps his gaze to meet Minho's eyes. They look worried, and his mouth is moving at a fast pace. He doesn't even hear what the other says, just shakes his head again and again. He needs to get out of here.

"I need to-" he starts to mumble, but somehow, he's already moving. He's vaguely aware of Minho's hand on his lower back and on his arm as he watches the blur of people passing by. It’s too quick for him to follow, his eyes growing blurry.

When they're off the dancefloor, his breathing picks up even further. Minho is leading him to the bathroom. And, oh god, he's not ready for sex, he's not even close to being ready for sex with a stranger. Is that what Minho wants? In the _bathroom_?

Minho pushes open the door and Jisung stumbles inside, scrambling until he can grab a hold of the sink, resting his weight there as he gasps out rapid breaths. He closes his eyes, feeling lightheaded. He tries to slow his frantic breathing, counting in his head. It’s no use.

The music is muffled in here, the bass shaking the walls, but it's ryhtmic. Jisung can focus on that.

"Hey, Jisung, It's okay."

He nods. It's okay, it's okay. Calm down, Jisung, it's okay.

He opens his eyes and turns to where Minho is hovering by his side. He looks beyond worried now, and Jisung feels a little bad for him. Jisung is freaking out over nothing. It's nothing! Going home with a hot stranger is normal, lot's of people do it. So why is he freaking out?

"Maybe you should sit down," Minho suggests, still hovering awkwardly.

At least he didn't leave him the moment he started freaking out, Jisung figures with a strained laugh as he starts backing away from the sink to sit on the floor.

Minho mumbles a little, “Woah,” and grabs a hold of him when he stumbles, gently guiding him to sit down against the wall. Like this, he can relax his muscles, and it helps. His breathing slows down and his heart stops pounding so loudly in his ears.

Minho sits down in front of him. Jisung groans and leans his head back to rest against the wall. He takes a deep breath, feeling relieved even as it catches and he has to let it out shakily. He closes his eyes again, feeling his body calm down slowly.

Minho shuffles in front of him. "Are you-"

Jisung doesn't even think before he blurts out to the ceiling, "I'm not ready for sex."

He can hear a little laugh from Minho, so he looks back down. Minho's eyes are crinkled and he's smirking. Oh, god. "Okay."

Jisung nods. Plays it cool. "Okay."

Minho nods back at him, smile still on his lips. "So. Are you okay?"

Jisung clears his throat. He can feel his face rapidly warming. "Yeah..." he mutters, and then adds as an afterthought, "I'm so sorry I said that."

Minho laughs again. "It's okay. I'm sorry I was so forward back then."

Jisung shakes his head. Minho has nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all.  
  
Minho looks around a little awkwardly, like he has no idea what to say. Eventually, he asks, "Should I go get your friends?"

Jisung groans again. "Please do not get my friends. They're gonna make such a big deal out of this."

Minho laughs. Jisung really likes his laugh. It makes him smile, so he looks away quickly to mask it. He’s sure Minho sees it anyway.

"It is a big deal!" Minho insists, nudging his knee.

"Honestly, I'm fine now,” Jisung says, trying to come across as confident as he can. He’s definitely not fine, and even the prospect of going out into the crowd again makes him clench his shaking hands nervously. “I’m sorry I freaked out like that.”

Minho nudges him again. “Don’t apologize for something you can’t help. It was my fault anyway, I shouldn’t have asked.”

"Oh, god," Jisung groans into his hands, laughing. "This is so embarrassing. Please stop mentioning it.”

Minho giggles. “Sorry. Honestly, I think it’ll make a good story. For when people ask how we met.”

Jisung doesn’t even stop to consider the implications of what Minho just said before he laughs and hits Minho warningly. “You will never speak of this again!”

”What? It’s the perfect meet cute!”

Jisung laughs. His heart has stopped pounding, his breathing back to normal. He doesn’t feel an ounce of anxiety anymore. He looks at Minho, feeling a spark of _something_ rushing through him.

Dating Minho is probably the easiest thing Jisung has ever done, while simultaneously being one of the absolute fucking hardest things he has ever gone through.

His anxiety holds him back at first, causing him to cancel on their dates, ditch Minho before instantly regretting it and tearing his hair out the rest of the day over it. It causes him to pull away from Minho, to overthink, to doubt himself, to doubt Minho.

He hasn't ever dated anyone. _Really_ dated anyone. It's scary.

He doesn't know the rules, what's appropriate and what is not. Minho clearly does, and that makes Jisung even more anxious, if possible.

It's practically a shitshow, and in the end, Minho himself is the one to put an end to it.

He catches Jisung after class one day, the morning after Jisung had to cancel again because his anxiety was acting up and not showing up at all seemed like a better option than making a fool of himself in front of his crush.

He hadn't exactly told Minho why he had to cancel last minute, and the numerous unanswered texts from Minho tells him it was a bad move. Okay, he knew it was a bad move as soon as he sent the text last night, a simple, "I can't go tonight. Sorry." His hands shook terribly as he locked his phone afterwards and shoved it out of his line of sight.

Such a dick move.

"Jisung," he says, suddenly appearing I front of him and grabbing his arm, pulling him away from the mass of students making their way out of the classroom. "Can we talk?"

Jisung just nods, knowing what's coming. Minho has had enough of him, tired of his inconsistency, his bullshit.

He waves away Felix when he stops to wait for him, knowing Minho wants to talk to him alone. He wants to be alone too, for this. Felix doesn't need to see him getting rejected. Jisung is sure he’ll experience enough in the aftermath of heartbreak.

"Let's go somewhere," Minho says, releasing Jisung's arm. He starts walking down the now empty hallway, and Jisung scrambles to follow. He can't read Minho at all, and it's unnerving as hell. He doesn’t seem particularly angry, but he’s definitely not happy either.

He watches Minho's back as he walks down the hallway. He's broad, handsome, even from behind. If it was any other day, Jisung would take his time to admire Minho.

Eventually, they settle on an empty classroom, Minho closing the door behind them after Jisung shuffles into the room awkwardly. He walks around a little, feeling his heart pound in his chest familiarly.

"Jisungie," Minho mutters softly, and Jisung's head snaps up, halting in his step. His confusion must be evident as Minho walks closer, slowly, as if he's approaching a scared animal. Minho stops right in front of him, and Jisung has to look up for their eyes to meet.

"Hyung, I- I'm sorry," he says, hoping Minho knows he doesn't mean just for last night, but for the night before that and the night before that one. For all the times he canceled on their dates like a total dick.

Minho smiles a little, reaching up to lay a hand on Jisung's shoulder. It's warm. "Ah..." he sighs, "What am I going to do with you?"

Jisung laughs a little nervously, looking to the side and feeling awkward. Why is Minho dragging this out?

"Hyung, I'm sorry for last night, and-" he starts, but Minho cuts him off with a shake of his head.

"I know," he says, and his voice is soft, "Jisungie. I get it."

Jisung snaps his mouth shot, looking to his feet. Minho couldn't possibly get it. Minho is flawless, he's not anxious, not nervous. How could he get it?

"Jisungie, please look at me."

Jisung glances up hesitantly. This is definitely not going the way he had prepared himself for. There are no harsh words or accusations, only Minho's smooth, gentle voice coaxing the anxiety to leave his body. It's almost worse.

"You don't have to apologize for canceling on our dates," Minho says, and Jisung blushes, "But just tell me the truth. I want to know you, okay? We can just hang out if the dates are too much."

Jisung's heart squeezes at the words, warmth spreading around his whole body. He can't hold back an embarrassed giggle, feeling his face flush.

"Hyung," he manages, nudging Minho halfheartedly, "so sappy."

Minho laughs, his sharp eyes crinkling. He nudges Jisung back. "Yah! I'm being serious! I like you, Jisung. A lot. And it's okay if you don't like me back, but I-"

"What-" Jisung gapes. "Hyung!"

He stares at Minho, speechless. Is he really that dense? No way. No way, Minho is _that_ obvious to Jisung's feelings. There's just no way.

Minho sighs, looking away for the first time. His jaw clenches, and Jisung scrambles to explain himself.

"Hyung! I like you, that's the whole problem," he exclaims, nudging Minho again. When their eyes meet, Minho is looking at him calmly, though his eyebrows are in a confused frown. "I- I get really anxious about our dates. That's why I canceled, I'm sorry. It's really not about you."

A small smile breaks out on Minho's face, and he looks to the ground. Jisung sees the blush decorating his cheeks anyway.

"I like you, hyung," he continues, "I _want_ to date you. I'm just- I haven't even come out back home, only to my hyung. I have no idea how my parents would react, and it frustrates me, but hyung, I _want_ to be with you. Believe me."

When he stops talking, he's panting slightly. He didn't even notice he was talking that fast, and he shyly looks to Minho's face to see if he's freaked out.

He's not. He's smiling, eyes soft.

"I believe you," he says, moving his hand from Jisung's shoulder to the side of his neck. Jisung shivers. "It's okay. There's no pressure to come out."

Jisung knows Minho is right, but still, he wants to come out to his mom and tell her that there's this boy he likes. He wants his mom to know Minho, to like him, to approve. It's not that easy, though, not even a little.

  
  
And that's when the easy part starts.

With his anxiety settled, dating Minho is easy. It’s effortless, like Jisung has been doing it all his life. His favorite thing quickly becomes just being with Minho, hanging out at his place or sharing his bed at their dorm when Felix is out. 

He still feels anxious sometimes, but Minho is a fast learner. He quickly picks up on Jisung’s tells, memorizing what gets him to calm down and what can distract him when he inevitably falls down a rabbit hole of insecurity and anxiety.

Being with Minho is like being free, like Jisung is finally himself, finally okay. Because they click, they get each other, there's no need for pretense or forced kindness between them. They just _get_ each other.

**  
Jisung, 19 years old**  
**(September, 2020)**

This year, Chuseok falls right before his birthday, so when he travels back home, it's with a big bag stuffed full and plans of staying home for a while.

He wants to spend a lot of time with his mother, with Chan, before... He just wants to make sure, is all, make sure he has spend some time in case his plans go to shit. In case his mother doesn’t accept him.

He has big plans. He has thought out, overanalyzed plans that go straight out of the window as soon as he steps into his house and his mother pulls him into a hug with a tearful smile.

He almost gets a little teary himself, hugging his mother's smaller frame before letting go to crash into Chan's open arms.

"Hey, Jisungie," he laughs, patting his head.

"My little boy," his mom drawls, joining Chan's hand where it's ruffling Jisung's hair. She grabs a hold of his cheeks, gently holding his head. "You've gotten so handsome! So tall."

Jisung blushes as he hears Chan snort behind them. Their mother is a small lady, though she has a kind smile and even kinder eyes. She has always been his safe place, even during the bad times, when they were both hurt by Jisung's dad.

"Eomma!" he complains with a whine, "you just saw me over the video call last week, remember?"

She huffs and smacks his cheek. "I know, I know. But I missed your handsome face so much."

He whines louder, but indulges his mother. They haven't seen each other in person for what seems like an eternity, and Jisung missed her a lot. He is a momma's boy, after all.

"Okay, you boys go wait, I'll heat up some dinner," she eventually says, pushing them both into the living room before retreating to the kitchen herself. They both protest, wanting to help her, but she practically threatens them, saying, "Go spend time together! Go! I don't want to see your faces again until dinner is ready."

They chuckle, and Chan slings an arm around Jisung's shoulder as they make their way into the living room. They plop on the couch together, laughing as Jisung smushes Chan's leg and Chan dramatically yelps. Jisung doesn't budge when Chan tries to push him off, laughing even harder as his hyung struggles. 

"Hyung, you're so weak!" he manages, struggling a little himself. Chan is strong, alright, but Jisung will be the last to admit that.

"Oh, you little brat," Chan groans, "It's on!"

They wrestle for a while, and Jisung is so glad for the distraction. He knows what's coming, and even the thought of it scares the living shut out of him.

The rest of their family will arrive to celebrate Chuseok with them tomorrow, and when thay all leave, he will tell her. That’s his big plan. He just needs to find the courage. For now, this is good. 

"So, how was the train here, Jisungie?" their mom asks, setting plate after plate with food on the table in front of him and Chan. It smells delicious. Jisung missed homecooked meals more than he thought, he thinks, as he eyes their dinner.

"It was okay," he replies, "The usual."

"Ah, good,” their mother hums, “Next time, Chan will drive you instead.”

Jisung laughs as Chan rolls his eyes behind their mothers back. “Ah, eomma, that’s okay. I don’t mind the train.”

She huffs, “It’s not a discussion. Chan wants to, right, Channie?”

She turns to Chan, his thing just barely schooling his expression before she catches him mocking her to Jisung.

”Oh, definitely,” he says, trying not to laugh as Jisung breaks down with their mothers back now turned.

She definitely catches on, tutting her tongue and shaking her head as she shuffles back to the kitchen. When she comes back, it’s with three bowls of rice. She puts the in front of each of their plates before sitting down herself.

”Go on, eat,” he says, gesturing to the food.

They dig in, and the food is just as good as Jisung has imagined looking at it. He groans, praising his mother loudly. Chan does the same, even as she brushes them off modestly.

They chatter for a while, mostly Chan talking about his new place in Seoul, about his new roommate and his studies.

Jisung settles for listening, quietly stuffing food in his cheeks and following their conversation. It’s how it’s always been. Jisung likes talking, but he finds that when he’s at home, he likes listening way more.

Theres a halt in the conversation, and their mother gets a certain glint in her eyes. Oh god.

“So, boys,” she drawls, laughing when both Chan and Jisung groan. They know exactly what’s coming. That is _also_ how it’s always been.

”Don’t be like that,” she scolds, hitting Chan over the head with her tea towel. “I just want to know!”

”Eomma, you do this every time we talk!” Chan complains, shoveling food in his mouth. “Nothing has changed.”

”Really? None of you have met a pretty girl yet?” she asks, “Honestly, you two! When I had Chan’s age, I was already pregnant with Jisung!”

”Eomma!” Chan groans, “Come on, we’re eating!”

Their mom ignores him, only snapping a hissed, “Don’t talk with your mouth full!” before she turns to Jisung.

”What about you, dear? No pretty girl has caught your attention?”

Jisung shakes his head, glancing over to Chan, who looks apologetic. 

Their mother sighs, looking disappointed. Jisung knows she means well, knows all she wants is someone to take care of them when she can’t be the one to do it. He knows she doesn’t mean anything bad by it.

And Jisung. He had plans. He was going to come out _after_ his relatives left, _after_ they had spent time together. He can’t keep his mouth shut.

”Actually, eomma...” Jisung starts, clearing his throat awkwardly when his heart clogs it up. He looks over at Chan, who now looks at him with widened eyes, a mix between confusion and concern in his gaze. Jisung looks back to the table as he says, quietly, “I’ve met someone. And we’re dating.”

”Ah, really?” their mom exclaims, clapping her hands excitedly. “When can we meet her, huh? Why didn’t you tell me? Don’t tell me Chan knows before me! You didn’t know, did you?”

Chan lifts his hands in surrender, shaking his head as their mom narrows her eyes at him.

“Ah, don’t be shy, dear,” she coos, reaching over to take his hand. He doesn’t say anything, just stares at the table, feeling stupid. He should be able to do this by now, come on. It shouldn’t be this hard.

He looks up to his mom’s face, smiling a little because she looks to happy. He turns his hand and squeezes hers. 

When he doesn’t say anything for a while, his mom grows suspicious. Her excitement visible fades away, replaced with confusion. 

“What’s going on?” she asks, reaching over with her free hand to pat their clasped hands.

Jisung looks to the table, to his food that is growing cold. His heart is pounding in his ears.

”Sungie,” Chan mutters, “You don’t have to.”

Jisung shakes his head immediately. No, he already ruined his plans. He _wants_ to tell her now, wants her to know that part of himself. 

“It’s okay, Chan-hyung,” he says, smiling a little at him. It’s all he manages before he looks back at their mom, who glances back and forth between them, brows furrowed.

”What’s going on, dear? You’re worrying me.” She pats their hands again.

Jisung takes a deep breath, feeling a little better when he manages to not choke on it or stutter as he says, “Him. I’m dating a boy. His name is Minho.”

Silence fills the room. Jisung watches his mom as she takes in the information. She’s hard to read, even as different emotions seem to cross over her face.

Eventually, all she says is, “Oh.”

It’s like a punch to the gut. Jisung clears his throat again, suddenly feeling a little short of breath. He tries to free his hand from his mom’s, but she holds on.

”Eomma, I’m sorry,” he starts, cutting himself off. He wants to walk away, to call Minho or Felix or even Changbin. He wants to be anywhere but here.

”Sorry?” his mom asks, “Why are you sorry, dear?”

He looks up at her, horrified when he finds her with tears in her eyes.

”I just-,” he scrambles to explain, “I’m sorry I couldn’t fall in love with a girl or-“

His mother cuts him off with a laugh, and Jisung is bewildered as she shakes her head and gets up to her feet. He watches her, standing up awkwardly as well as she rounds the table. When she gets to him, she catches him around the neck and pulls him down into a hug.

He laughs, feeling tears well up in his own eyes. He squeezes them shut, bending down so he can wrap his arms around his mother’s small frame. He buries his face in her neck, laughing again. He can’t stop _laughing_.

She strokes his hair, shushing him. “Don’t be sorry, my handsome baby. I love you no matter what.”

Something warm blooms in Jisung’s stomach. His heart is still pounding, but it’s good. It’s _good_. He can’t believe it. He was so sure she was going to be disappointed in him, disown him, be disgusted by him. 

“You hear me?” she says, “I love you.”

He nods into her neck, unable to form any words.

  
Afterwards, he calls Minho, feeling instant relief when his boyfriend’s face shows up on the screen. He’s on his bed in his room, Jisung recognizing the pillows he’s laying against easily. His hair is messy too, like it usually is when late at night or when he has just come back from dance practice.

”Hey, babe,” Jisung greets, only half-teasing. He knows Minho secretly likes the nickname, even as he tries to vigorously deny it.

”Ah,” Minho laughs, eyes crinkling and perfect teeth showing, “Don’t.”

Jisung laughs. He missed Minho, and it’s only been a day. How ridiculous.

”I just called to tell you that my mom really wants to meet you,” Jisung says casually, laughing as Minho’s eyes grow wide, suddenly serious.

”Really?” he exclaims, sitting up in his bed, “You told her?”

Minho knew about his plans of coming out after Chuseok had passed. He knew because Jisung wouldn’t shut up about them, overthinking them to the point where they barely made sense anymore.

”Yeah!” he giggles, wanting to kiss Minho as his boyfriend freaks out on his screen. It’s so endearing.

”I can’t wait to meet her either,” Minho says when they’ve settles down. Jisung is on his own bed now too, reclining again at the headboard. “I mean, she made you. She must be amazing.”

After they grow tired of talking an hour later, he shows Minho around in his room, swapping the camera so he can pan around in his old room. It’s nothing fancy, but Minho almost dies laughing looking at Jisung’s old soccer posters on the wall by his bed. 

”Oh, my god!” he cackles, “You were such a little, closeted baby gay! I can’t believe you actually thirsted after soccer players.”

Jisung grumbles. “Did not.”

”Oh, you did,” Minho laughs, not letting up on his teasing. It gets worse when Jisung shows him a collection of soccer magazines he used to buy because there were pictures of the players in their tiny shorts and tight shirts on the pages. 

Minho can barely breathe as Jisung tells him, wheezing so hard he can barely hold the phone. Jisung indulges him, even as his pride takes a small hit. Everything to make Minho laugh, he supposes.

When he gets back to the university after spending Chuseok successfully with his family, feeling slightly socially drained, Minho is there to greet him, pushing their lips together and hugging him. He’s there to tell him how proud he is of Jisung, how brave he is, and it’s almost enough to make Jisung break out in tears again.

He’s proud of himself too. Being gay isn’t everything he is, but it’s a big part of him. He’s not ashamed of it and it’s not something he wants to hide, he thinks, as he gets on his tippy toes to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s smiling lips.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think!!


End file.
